If you are reading this, then I thank you and ask you to be gentle if you do decide to leave a comment. You see, this is my first blog/rant. And although constructive criticism is always welcome, I implore you not to set up an ‘I think she’s crap’ blog in retaliation…
Anyhooo, on to the juicy stuff, the blog itself – let me explain; I WILL rant, I WILL beseech, I WILL criticize (generally), I WILL poke fun (generally) and I definitely WILL blow a fuse – sometimes! All of the above will be delivered tongue in cheek and no animals will be harmed in the process.
Once the idea for a rant blog had set in, I started making a list so I wouldn’t forget all the things that get my back up. It’s a long list. The title of this should give you a hint as to its contents. No clue? Read on!
I’m one of those people who like to exit an occasion with the minimum of fuss and it’s become more of an issue for me as I get older (why is this? I’m not ancient!) For example, if I’m lucky enough to get invited out to a dinner party, I’m already thinking about ‘what’s an acceptable time to leave?’ It’s not because I won’t be enjoying myself. If I’m there, I know I’m enjoying myself – I like these people! I just know that at some point in the evening, I’ll have reached the stage where I need to not be there anymore.
Would it be ‘ok’ to have a pre-arranged signal in place with my husband? Something along the lines of: if I ‘dry cough’ three times in succession, can we just jump up quickly and say we have an early start and run for the hills…? Probably not, other than him thinking I’m choking on an olive, we’d still have to do the goodbyes… Should I just excuse myself under the guise of ‘popping to the loo?’ Quickly grab my bag en route to the door and make a run for it, in the hope that aforementioned husband will realise and follow…? You see I find having to air kiss about 3-10 other couples, with promises of texting in the week to arrange a catch-up, very awkward. And that’s having consumed alcohol! It’s never a quick ‘toodle-pip’ and you’re off home to bed. Oh no, usually the hosts are so kind and giving, they want to ‘gift you’ some of that gorgeous leftover meringue that you loved so much, all nicely wrapped up in tinfoil, then they can’t find the tinfoil, realise they used it all up cooking, start looking for a bespoke Tupperware container, no luck, so it ends up in Great Aunt Mabel’s Royal Albert bowl which they received as a wedding gift… At this point I’m frothing at the mouth! Then there’s the promises from me of returning said bowl intact but already having nightmares about dropping it on the way to the car. The ‘farewells’ have now moved to the hall and all remaining couples have joined in the well-wishing, which is quite boisterous due to the alcohol consumed over the course of the evening. Everyone is squashed. Personal space is invaded and completely new conversations have started while one of the hosts goes on the hunt for your coat, bolero, poncho, snood, motorbike helmet, bowler hat, cello case etc, etc. At this point, I’m having a small (not so anyone would notice) stroke. It’s ok, I’ll take an aspirin when I get home, don’t wish to add to the drama taking place…FOR THE LOVE OF MIKE, I just want to go home NOW! Why can’t I just do that without the fuss? For this reason, I try to never give up my coat on arrival and sometimes there’s a tussle with mine host and occasionally I’ll fib and say ‘I’ll keep it on, I’m cold’, so I spend the evening roasting away, while reassuring everyone that ‘No, I’m fine, REALLY’ through gritted teeth and consequentially sport a prizewinning beetroot for a face for the remainder of the night. For this reason, I find wearing a light jacket is always preferable. I practically will others to be the first to leave, so the spotlight’s on them and then I’ll jump on the bandwagon, start spouting something about having to make a move too, long day tomorrow, early start, was fabulous, must do it again soon (and I sincerely mean every word of that) in rapid fire sentences and take my leave before the party in the porch really kicks off and someone suggests we do tequila shots!
I feel the same when it’s my turn to host. If someone wants to leave (and let’s face it at 3 in the morning with school/work the next day I’m not going to put up much of a fight) I’ll quite happily say ‘of course, no problem’. Steer them to the door and hopefully not injure them while closing it firmly behind them, brushing off all concerns from the remaining guests, along the lines of ‘ will she be ok getting a taxi on her own’ with ‘of course, she made it on her own, didn’t she? She’ll be fine…’
Am I alone in feeling like this? This fear of the long goodbye is not an indication of how well the night is going – I’m not a party pooper, I love a good party as much as the next person, really I do! Surely I’m not turning into a social pariah?
Shouldn’t there be some kind of rule that allows us to leave an event without all the fuss and drama that goes with it? Just sayin’…